You Might Want To Skip This One...

...if you're not a girl.  Or if you start sweating at the thought of standing in a checkout line with a box of tampons.

No?  Ok, well, I warned you.

There was a frozen pizza.  And then there were ramen noodles.  And then there was mochi ice cream.  It was enough for four meals and yet, I downed it all in a single sitting.  I won't mention the handfuls of other nibbles like dates and nuts in between but I will mention that preheating an oven and waiting for water to boil have never taken so long in the history of forever.  And that pizza?  I devoured it leaning over the kitchen counter because I couldn't wait the three whole seconds it would have taken to walk the five steps to the table.  Face-stuffing: it is not pretty.  Ask my sister who walked in on me last night.  I offered her some pizza, but warned that if she didn't have any now, there might not be any left twenty seconds later.  She was wise to take when she did.

I have no explanation other than my appetite has once again mistaken my body for a 14-year-old adolescent male's.  It demands nothing but white carb after white carb after white carb.  And in bountiful, no, limitless, quantities.  Every month, I tell you.  Every flipping month.  I thought I had missed my cycle this time (it happens, no big deal), but apparently my period's just late.  Rude.

To those who optimistically offer up a "Well, at least you're not pregnant," yeah, I ALREADY KNEW THAT, but thank you for trying to show me the bright side of things.

If you think this is all nonsense, the woes of monthly bloating and aches and mood swings that are due to take over my body some time in the next twelve hours or so, I trust that you are a man and did not heed my warning in the first paragraph of this post.  As such, I think you should march yourself right over to the local pharmacy and ask the cashier where you can find their biggest box of tampons.  Because that discomfort doesn't even begin to touch what women go through for the privilege of growing babies one day.  To be clear, I'm not mad at you for being a guy, but before I explain that, why haven't you asked me which brand and size of tampon I need and can you bring back a pint of pistachio Häagen-Dazs, please and thank you?