Chuck Is Right

Before I head out on Saturday mornings, I skim over Chuck Klosterman's column, The Ethicist {+}, in the Times Magazine.  This weekly ritual reminds me that maintaining grace, poise, and humility in the way we manage our relationships is a meaningful exercise.

The following is an excerpt from one of Mr. Klosterman's pieces that was published earlier this month {+}:

Don’t end a friendship because someone acts in a way you never would. Part of being a good person is being open to people who are not so good, and part of being a friend is making flawed acquaintances feel as if they can tell you about their flaws (without fear of abandonment or persecution). In fact, if you’re the type of person who wants to associate exclusively with those who perfectly mirror your own ethical worldview, you’re reducing significantly the scope of your potential life experience.

I lost touch with a friend years ago.  She had thrust herself into a relationship with a married man.  When the inevitable happened, everything went up in flames as his wife took back what was rightfully not her husband's to give away.  I was relieved that she was finally free; she deserved better than a relationship with an unavailable man.  My friend, however, she fell apart night after night, after week, after month.  A year later, even with the support of professional help, she struggled to move on.  Our conversations were stagnant, hung up on the memories of their time together.  I learned to take a step back.  I stopped calling.  I had no intention of breaking ties; I just needed a break.  A few weeks passed, then months, which then turned into years.  Had she called, I would have answered, but she never did.  Whenever I told myself to pick up the phone and be a good friend, I was overcome with grief at the very real possibility of being asked one more time, "Julia, what is wrong with me that he would end it the way he did?"  And then I wouldn’t actually call.

On Valentine's Day of this year, I did something unusual.  I sent separate text messages to everyone in my phone's contact list.  As I went down the list of names, I was surprised to see hers.  I hit the send button and she replied immediately.  We set up a video chat date.  A week later, three time zones apart, we caught up in front of our computer screens.  It was good to reconnect.  The next time we spoke, she would mention that she had just gotten back from a weekend… with the same man.  He had flown her out again.  He was helping her with something.  Her tone trod carefully around my reaction.  I had none.  Instead, my mind immediately went back to Chuck’s words.  Don’t end a friendship because someone acts in a way you never would.  She is not any more or any less flawed than me.  She is a good person.  Be a good person as well and act as a friend, Julia.  Do not abandon her.

Looking out at MoMA's Sculpture Garden.  NYC.
Saturday.  23 March.  2013.

I am holding myself to a simple task: to be and act as a good person would.  I know that it makes my day when I hear the voice of a faraway friend.  I'm hoping that I'm doing that for her every time I call.