"They Suffered Silently..."

There's an article in the New York Times that's getting to me.  It's about the growing level of suicides among Koreans in New York.  I'm shocked that this couple in Queens opted to light themselves on fire rather than live.  Burning yourself to death because your business endeavor failed?  That's heartbreaking.  Because you're broke?  That's heartbreaking, too.  This couple left a brief note for their 20-year-old daughter and forty dollars in cash.  That's heartbreaking to the tenth power.

Here's the thing about the Korean mentality: you either succeed or you fail.  If you succeed, it's easy to flaunt - your career, your house, your kids, your car, etc.  If you fail, well...you guard it with your life and move on.  "Move on" meaning "stuff it deep down inside and bury it and bury it and bury it some more."  Did I mention burying it?  If you're going through a hardship, you keep it to yourself and suffer not quietly, but silently, going undetected on anyone and everyone's radar.  You see, if word got out that you didn't get into your first choice top tier school, or that you didn't pass the bar, or that you bought generic over brand, something terrible might happen: like the sky may rain squirrel poop; or the earth may start sprouting porcupines; or the government may ban sex.  Failure elicits these horrific panic-inducing doomsday scenarios.

Your shortcomings and failures don't form a part of your identity: it drives your identity.  It's far better to appear well despite not being well.  It's only when the appearance catches up to you, like if the bank takes your house, or repossesses your car, that it becomes more difficult to hide the shame.  Oh, the shame, people.  It's debilitating.  I can list a dozen examples off the top of my head from my family alone, but well, there's that Korean part of me that's all "What?!  Keep your trap shut."  See how that works?  Shame and embarrassment is ten times stronger in the eye of the Korean beholder - or so Koreans think.  We are a judgmental people, but I believe that we are our own worst critics.

So this family...it seems like the Korean community has rallied (a widdle bit) after this awful event.  It's a valid concern that during these economic times, members of cultural communities that often embrace privacy, honor, and accomplishments, may fall particularly hard, victim to their own harsh standards.

I hope the new year brings some peace and relief to all of us and less news reports like this one.